I've heard of this fella Eli Roth for years, but aside from Cabin Fever, I've never had the courage to watch his movies. That's because Roth's name is infamously associated with 'torture porn,' an avant garde movement in contemporary horror where instead of murder, mayhem, and popcorn fun, killers chain up and practice live surgery on their victims. People are attracted to horror for many reasons, vicarious living through one's own fears chief among them. Torture porn, to me, is grossout and mean-spiritedness over substance. It isn't my thing.
But I'm a man, right? And we aren't so bad, are we? A little wine, song, and thongs during our youth, and after that we might settle down with enough contentment that we don't chase every coed that shows up at our house. Nothing wrong with that, right?
I gave Eli Roth's Knock Knock a chance because, on the surface, it proposes a philosophical question. What if a wife and kids left a happily married and wealthy man alone for the weekend, and he found himself at the mercy of two jailbait temptresses? This was important, I decided. It needed an hour-and-a-half of my time, so I could see how Roth handled this pressing issue.
Keanu Reeves is, like, totally Evan, who at opening credits lives an idyllic existence. He's got a hot wife who gives him plenty (Ignacia Allamand) two little cherubs who don't stab the neighborhood (Dan and Megan Bailey) and a financial situation that allows both spouses to work from home. He sculpts and DJs. She paints. There isn't much room for improvement.
Karen, the spouse, packs everyone away for a weekend getaway, leaving Evan alone with his dog and records. Within hours, there's a knock on the door. Two young ladies are stranded in the rain; the natural process of precipitation soaks through their thin clothing. Their names are Bell (Ana de Armas) and Genesis (Lorenza Izzo) and with names like Bell and Genesis, we know where this is headed.
What happens next is straight out of that tape we found in the woods. Evan is nice and accommodating. He talks about his hobbies, his wife's hobbies, and how cool his kids and wife are, and how much he loves his wife and kids. Did he mention he was married? He's married with kids, by the way, and the girls should meet his wife. His wife is great. Bell and Genesis steer the conversation toward their many and versatile sexual escapades. They change into more free-spirited clothing. They indulge every generic male fantasy, closing the distance, teasing and heating up his boner (really, princesses, this is like, bogus, I mean, like, my wife, dude) until he's banging them in the shower, putting em on the glass, Sir-Mix-A-Lot style.
The next morning, upon realizing the night before wasn't a midlife crisis sufferer's wet dream, Evan wants his evening mistresses to leave so he can marinate in his guilt. Requesting their departure doesn't have the intended effect, and when they inevitably return it's No More Miss Nice Sluts. They reveal they lied about their ages; calling the cops is a fifteen-to-twenty deal, no questions asked. Bell and Genesis are now angry feminists, I guess, as they proceed to stab Evan through the shoulder with a fork, tie him up, and force him to answer for the crimes of all Y-chromosome carrying penis wielders. They trash his house and ruin his life over social media.
The biggest problem with Knock Knock is its assumptions about human nature, and that everyone in Evan's is supposed to buy into the girls' frame-up job. If a bystander walks into the ruined home of a nice, reputable guy like Evan, and finds him beaten, crying and tied up, dicks drawn over everything, what are they to assume? Oh, right. Pervert. Sure, he's guilty of infidelity, but everything else was a crime against him. We're supposed to believe the girls have trapped him amid planted evidence. In order to do this, Roth and his co-writers ignore how due process works.
There are witnesses. The girls aren't wearing masks. They would be pulled over in moments. There's a throwaway line of, “We checked, and none of the neighbors are home to help you, mwa ha ha!” but come on. You're telling me someone isn't going to summon at least one officer when they hear screaming and breaking glass? Especially after—spoiler alert—the shenanigans produce a dead body?
Beyond that, the movie's message is that all men are walking erections with glans-for-brains who can't help themselves around sexy home invaders. There is a later reveal that Bell and Genesis are serial predators who torture married men because…reasons. Their intent is never made clear. Genesis may be a rape victim. Who knows, except every dong on Earth must be punished.
Finally, Keanu Reeves is all wrong for this. We're used to seeing him as Johnny Utah, Neo, the guy from Speed, and feel-good characters like Ted Logan. Seeing him here as a hapless, spineless daddy doesn't click. When he snaps and curses out the girls, I am reminded of a certain infamous scene/Internet meme involving bees.
The psychological horror aspect works. There's something visceral and disturbing about crazies destroying treasured belongings while a homeowner is forced to watch. I doubt a situation like this would ever happen to me, but I will state this for the record: Bell and Genesis aren't getting anywhere near my retro game collection. Vintage before vaginas.
Knock Knock is intended to be a dark twist on the generic porn scenario. I imagine the screenwriters dreaming up horrors and fitting them into reality: “If two caricatures showed up for a surprise threesome in real life, they would so trash your house.” I always pictured a morning after where I discussed contemporary affairs with Jenna Jameson over coffee. Knock Knockgets away with being disturbing. The rest is a garbage fire.
Final Grade: D